


Please Love Me Instead

by angelivenantium



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:51:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelivenantium/pseuds/angelivenantium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One thing that really sucks is being in love with your straight best friend. One thing that sucks even more is realising this just as said friend is starting to like somebody else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Love Me Instead

Dean was standing by his locker and rummaging through every book he had in there, mumbling ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ under his breath.

“I admire your vocabulary,” Cas said from where he was leaning against his own locker next to Dean’s.

“Not helping, Cas,” Dean muttered and threw the book inside the just to pull out another.

“Perhaps your dog ate it,” Cas helped mockingly and Dean grunted.

“Shut up, will you?”

“Whatever you say,” Cas replied and played with his tie. They were going to a Catholic school where uniforms were mandatory, although Dean’s version of a uniform was the pants, the shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the jacket in case it was raining. The teachers had even given up on nagging on him by now, just figuring he was a hopeless case and that their time was better spent teaching than arguing over a tie.

“Fuck, I can’t find it!” Dean exclaimed loudly and hit the locker with a bang.

“What are you even looking for?” Cas asked and tilted his head. Figures he was just standing there the whole time without even knowing why Dean was freaking out.

“The fucking driver’s test application!” Dean said angrily and rubbed his eyes.

“Oh,” Cas said and sounded much more awake. “You put that in my locker so you wouldn’t lose it.” Dean raised his head and looked tiredly at him.

“It’s been in your locker all along?” It did sound very familiar and very reasonable, if he may say so himself.

“Yes,” Cas replied. Dean grunted to himself and shoved Cas away from his locker, unlocking it and rummaging through Cas’ stuff. “Don’t mess everything up!” Cas complained and hustled with him in front of the locker to keep Dean from ruining his pedantically organized books.

“Ha!” Dean said happily and pulled the paper out. “You’re the best, Cas!” He threw his arm around his shoulders into a half-hug while Cas was still putting his books to order.

“Hallelujah,” Cas said sarcastically and closed the locker.

“You won’t sound so whiny when I’m allowed to drive us everywhere,” Dean said cheerfully and patted him on the back.

“Assuming you actually pass,” Cas said very unhelpfully and Dean rolled his eyes and followed him when he started walking towards their English class.

\-------

“So…” the neurotic-looking substitute said where he stood in front of the class. “I’m Chuck Shirley and I’m going to stand in for Miss Dixon until she’s back from maternity leave.” He nodded a little, more to himself than to the class, and twisted his hands.

Dean just stared at him with a raised eyebrow and when he glanced over to Cas he almost looked like he was in pain.

“It’s like I can see my grade riding off into the sunset,” he mumbled quietly to Dean, who chuckled at him.

“That’s why you should do like I do and don’t have a grade to worry about to begin with,” he helped and lightly nudged their elbows together.

“Except that I would like to be able to support myself,” Cas chuckled.

“Well, I can just move in with you then, win-win situation,” Dean said and Cas rolled his eyes with an amused smile.

“Hey, no flirting you two!” substitute Shirley said as if he’d attempted to make a joke to lighted the tense mood in the classroom and both Cas and Dean turned to look at him before the entire class started laughing.

“Good luck with that!” some kid said from the back of the class.

“Hey, when’s the wedding, Winchester?” another yelled.

“Shut up, you’re not invited!” Dean shot back with a grin and Cas just shook his head with an amused smile.

“Did I miss something?” Shirley said nervously and his face twitched like he was about to smile, but couldn’t. “I- I didn’t realise you were actually a couple-“ he started and the class laughed even more.

“We’re just friends,” Cas told him helpfully, sounding like he was talking to a child because he’d have to say it so many times before.

“You may wanna check your records more carefully, Mr Shirley, they’re on every other page,” a girl said.

“He won’t have time to go through all of it before he has to leave again,” another girl helped.

“Alright, alright, real funny,” Dean said and threw an eraser at them.

Substitute Shirley looked really confused and tensely huffed a laugh before he turned to the blackboard and started writing some names and dates with a shaky hand and talking about them, sounding even more nervous than before.

Dean leaned back in his chair and snatched a pen from Cas, not intending to write anything down but more to just have something to fiddle with while he waited for the class to end. He glanced over to Cas, who was almost looking like he was dying from Shirley’s messy writing and incoherent rambling. The last time he’d looked like that was when he was six and the bird he and Dean had tried to rescue died before they’d even reached Cas’ front door. Cas had put it down on the porch and just sat there until tears started falling down his cheeks. Dean had ended up burying it in the backyard with a cross and flowers and the whole shebang just to make him stop.

16-yearold Dean huffed a laugh at the memory, drew a dick on Cas’ notes to make him cheer up and made him grunt and kick him underneath the desk instead. As substitute Shirley kept mumbling something about William Blake Dean’s mind started wandering towards when he and Cas had met in the first place. It was back when Cas’ last name had still been Novak. They’d been living next door to each other for a few weeks - Dean’s family had just moved in after moving from Topeka in Kansas - without any more than curious stares at the neighbours across the fence before they actually talked to each other. He remembered that it had been a hot day in late September.

_“Muuuum, I’m bored!” four and a half-yearold Dean complained loudly. “I wanna play!”_

_“I’m sorry, Dean, but I have to feed Sam,” Mary said patiently and cradled the small bundle she was holding. Dean moved closer to the thing in her arms and Mary smiled and lowered it when he came up to them. Blue and hazel eyes stared up at him in a round baby face and Dean didn’t really understand how this thing could bring any good at all or why it couldn’t just have been the three of them. Then the small bundle let out a happy baby laugh and smiled up at him in a toothless grin. Dean blinked and felt a little bit warm. Maybe the bundle wasn’t so bad after all._

_“Why don’t you go out and play with the boy next door?” Mary suggested as she went and sat down at the kitchen table._

_“But muuuum, I don’t want to play with him! He’s weird,” Dean whined and Mary sighed._

_“Dean, you can’t say things like that about people. It’s very rude.”_

_“I still don’t want to,” Dean grumbled and crossed his chubby four-year old arms._

_“How about you go out and play with him and we’ll make pie together tonight? You’d like that, honey?”_

_Well, Dean did like pie. Maybe it was worth playing with the weird boy for a while if they’d bake later._

_“Okay,” he muttered and made a really big deal out of stomping outside. Mary chuckled gently behind him as the door closed._

_The boy next door was out and picking up the yellow leaves that had fallen from the maple tree in their garden. Dean grunted to himself and walked over into the other family’s lawn._

_“Hey,” he said. The boy didn’t even look up._

_“Hello,” he replied and picked up a new leaf to his collection._

_“Why are you doing that?” Dean asked and the boy shrugged._

_“God likes them,” he said and threw away another leaf that was teared at the edges._

_“Oh,” Dean said. He stood there for another minute before he crunched down too and helped the weird boy next door sort through all the leaves in their garden._

Of course, it’d been many years now since Cas had done anything because God liked it or done anything to do with God at all for that matter, except go with his mum and three sisters to church on Christmas. In fact, he had seemed to want to go against God altogether ever since his parents got a divorce and his dad moved across town and started a new family with a new woman when Cas was eight. Cas’ dad was a minister, but had fortunately changed church too when he moved. Cad didn’t see him that often and he didn’t seem to want to either.

After the encounter with the leaves Dean had started coming over to Cas’ backyard every afternoon and after a while Cas would show up at his house too. When they also ended up in the same class when they started school the already obvious friendship turned into inseparable best friends and it had stayed that way ever since, even when Cas’ mum moved to a smaller house a couple of miles closer to town after the divorce at the same time as she took back her maiden name. It didn’t stop Dean from taking the school bus over to Cas’ house every single day though.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean whispered and leaned over to him.

“What?” he whispered back while he was trying to make some sort of logical order out of Shirley’s notes.

“Happy 12th anniversary,” Dean said quietly with a grin and Cas huffed a laugh.

“You’re so weird,” he told him fondly and Dean sat back in his chair, chuckling to himself.

\-------

The driver’s test went _awesome_. Dean totally nailed it and walked out after passing the theory test like a boss with his licence in hand. Cas had been waiting outside with John the whole time and when Dean stepped outside and waved his licence around with a big grin Cas threw his arms around him and hugged him tight, telling him he for one hadn’t been worried at all. Yeah right, that’s why your nails are in such a perfect condition, huh?

But, of course, good things were never meant to last in Dean Winchester’s life. He’d finally been allowed to have the old 67 Chevy Impala that he and John had bought and worked on the entire summer together. Dean’s birthday was actually in January, but after accidentally scaring the driving teacher half to death and almost getting them both killed by racing another student John had sentenced him with another six months of lessons.

Anyway, on the second day of driving his wonderful, purring baby to school, he got in an accident. Obviously. It wasn’t that serious, but all of a sudden a kid on a bike turned up out of nowhere and Dean had to steer away in total panic and managed to drive straight into a light pole. Typical. The kid was all right, except for a few bruises and being generally scared to death, stupid child, and Dean was too, except for the fact that _his baby was freaking crashed and there was smoke coming from the engine_.

So that’s how Dean was now standing in the middle of the street with a bunch of people around him and just trying to breathe. Someone beside him asked if he had any family to call and that’s when Dean remembered that oh right, he had parents. While his own phone had gone straight out the windshield because he’d put it on top of the dashboard as he drove (smart move, Winchester, real classy) the caring person lent him theirs.

“Dad, you are not gonna like this,” Dean said through a tight voice when John picked up. He explained what had happened and while John still cursed a lot, he seemed to understand that it wasn’t just Dean’s fault and he seemed to be relieved he hadn’t been hurt. He told Dean to stay where he was and that he’d call the school and get there as soon as he could. Dean hung up and sat down on the side of the sidewalk, waiting for his dad to show up and letting some older lady nurse him while he waited.

John had made sure his wasn’t hurt in anyway, hugged him, yelled a little at him and thanked God that Dean had the mental capacity to wear a seatbelt. Dean’s mind had instantly went to at least ten different lines that Cas would have said if he’d heard John praising God for Dean’s own conscious action and he smiled a little. When the tow truck had been there and picked Dean’s poor baby up John had driven him straight to school, even though Dean complained as much as he could. Who made their kid go to school after a freaking accident?

Dean walked into the school area at just past lunchtime and grumpily went in through the door to history class, sneaked back to the seat next to Cas and slipped in. Cas was staring right in front of him, looking exceptionally pissed off and completely ignoring Dean’s entire existence. Dean looked around him and the entire class seemed to be holding their breath. Cas didn’t open his mouth or glance at Dean even once, so he knew he was in real big trouble.

When class ended Cas got up and walked out the door with Dean dashing after him.

“Hey, Cas, wait!” he called and almost ran straight into him when Cas stopped dead outside the door.

“Why the hell haven’t you called?” he almost yelled at Dean like two feet away from him.

“Whoa, easy,” Dean said and almost thought he was gonna get slapped, because Cas only cursed at two occasions; when he was so furious with Dean he wanted to kill him or when he was really, really scared. Cas’ eyes just darkened even more and he looked kinda menacing actually. Some people in the corridor had stopped to stare at them and Dean felt a bit uncomfortable.

“You get in a _car crash_ and you don’t even have the civility to send me a fucking text to tell me you’re alive?” Cas continued and shoved him in the chest.

“The fuck, Cas?” Dean said and raised his hands, looking at his friend in front of him. He hated it when Cas was mad with him and this was just ridiculous. “Stop cursing already! It’s wasn’t even a big accident, stop yelling.”

“How was I supposed to know that it wasn’t?” Cas asked angrily and flared his arms. “Half the rumours going around said you’d been killed and then you didn’t pick up your phone, you stupid, careless, inconsiderate, -“ he struggled like he was trying to come up with the worst words he could think of but was too mad to think at all so he just ended up standing there and almost shaking.

“Cas, calm down, okay?” Dean told him and tried not to wince from the look in Cas’ eyes. “I’m fine, aren’t I?”

“You could have been dead,” Cas bit off and Dean winced after all. “I actually thought you were dead.” His voice was down to normal, if not a bit quiet conversation level and the small pack that had gathered around them to watch the spectacle started to reluctantly move away when they couldn’t hear what they were saying. Cas looked a bit wrecked and Dean could imagine his face when someone told him about Dean being in a crash and then that he’d been killed too and how worried and scared he must’ve been when Dean’s phone was turned off, or well, broken, but whatever. Dean looked him in the eye and felt shameful and sad, because that had had to hurt like hell.

“Well, I’m sorry,” he said and swallowed down the guilt.

“Yes, I hope you are,” Cas snapped and walked past him while Dean turned after him and opened his mouth without knowing what to say. Turned out he didn’t have to say anything though, because Cas stopped after a few strides, paused, and then turned around again, walked up to Dean and wrapped his arms around him. “You are an awful human being,” he said as he hugged him tight and then let go just on the boarder of sociably acceptable hugging time. “And you are never going to do something like this to me ever again.”

“Alright, alright, fine,” Dean said and raised his hands. Cas huffed, but seemed somewhat reassured if the way his eyebrows were furrowed was anything to go by, and he turned to walk towards the classroom and ignored Dean the whole way. It took him until halfway through an educational film about the solar system before he nudged Dean’s thigh with his fingers and sheepishly asked him about the Impala. Dean smiled at him as he explained quietly and just felt happy that his best friend was talking to him again.

\-------

A few days later and Dean was sitting in the computer room during history class with the rest of his class, giving himself a well-earned break from working (he had actually written like half a page about stuff he’d found on Wikipedia and some weird site that looked totally reliable).

“Who’s that?” Cas suddenly said right next to Dean’s ear.

“For fuck’s sake, Cas!” Dean yelped and jumped like four feet.

“She’s pretty,” Cas stated and tilted his head a little as he looked at the computer screen over Dean’s shoulder. “Although I don’t think she’ll be able to provide you with any information about the civil war.”

“Shut up,” Dean muttered and kept chatting with the girl.

“Do you think it’s wise to be on a dating site when we’re supposed to do research?”

“I think it’s genius,” Dean said and grinned when the girl sent him a very suggestive reply. “Besides, it’s only like five minutes left.”

“Mr Winchester, what exactly do you think you’re doing?” another voice said behind them and Cas immediately straightened up as Dean closed the page and spun around in his chair. Mr Wood was standing behind them in his ugly yellow shirt, beige pants and glasses that looked like they came from the 70s.

“Eh… research?” Dean tried. Mr Wood pressed his lips into a thin line and looked like someone had pissed in his cereals.

“You and Mr Milton, the principal’s office, now!” he said furiously and pointed a finger at Dean.

“Cas has nothing to do with this!” Dean said angrily, because that was just unfair.

“He always has something to do with it,” Mr Wood said like Cas wasn’t standing right next to him. “If he want to stay out of trouble I strongly suggest he get new friends.” And with that Mr Wood marched off to write a note to the principal about why the two of them were sent there.

“Dickhead,” Dean muttered under his breath and got up from the chair.

“I told you it was unwise,” Cas said, but didn’t look mad at Dean for getting him into trouble. He was probably used to it by now.

A while later the two of them were sitting side to side outside the principal’s office and waiting for the poor bastard before them to come outside again.

“Sorry,” Dean said, although he knew he didn’t have to.

“It’s okay,” Cas replied like always. “I don’t have to be home until four anyway.”

“What are you doing at four?” Dean said and picked on his nails, slumping further down in the chair with a sigh.

“It’s Hester’s birthday,” Cas said and didn’t sound very enthusiastic. “Some of our aunts and cousins are coming over.”

“Oh right, 21, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, tell her happy birthday from me,” Dean said and looked up at the bored-looking Cas.

“You can always come.”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Dean said. Cas’ family was kinda a handful. Cas’ sisters, Hester, Rachel and Anna, age 21, 20 and 19, treated him just like they treated Cas, which meant a lot of teasing and mocking, while his mum seemed to just let him come and go however he liked, like a family pet or something. All his aunts were very touchy-feely, squeezing every part of him they could reach and humming eagerly when they came across his toned arms and shoulders and his cousins kept asking him when he and Cas were gonna get married.

“It was worth a shot,” Cas mumbled and shot him an amused glance.

“You can’t run from your family, even if they’re really annoying,” Dean told him and chuckled when Cas wrinkled his nose. “Do they still pinch your cheeks and ruffle your hair?”

“Yes, they do,” Cas said stiffly. Dean laughed at him and nudged his knee against Cas’.

“That’s what you get for being the youngest.”

“You’d think they’d get the hint when you become taller than all of them,” Cas muttered and scratched on his tie.

“Well, you still look like an adorable baby, so you can’t really blame them,” Dean teased him and Cas shoved him on the shoulder.

“You’re an ass,” he said stiffly and Dean laughed even more. Before he managed to shoot something back, the principal’s door opened and the pierced guy with purple, stripy hair walked out, leaving a trail of guy sweat smell as he walked past. Dean tried not to gag and was almost happy to be called into the office, where principal had opened every window she had. Poor woman.

\-------

 _“I’m sick,”_ Cas told him when he called Dean before school in the beginning of the following week. He coughed and sounded bloody awful.

“Dude, I told you to stay out of the rain!” Dean said tiredly as he poured himself a glass of juice.

 _“It was barely drizzling,”_ Cas defended himself and sniffled. Dean wrinkled his nose and sighed, really feeling like an old housewife.

“Well, you’re still stupid,” he told him. “Who am I gonna copy during the math test if you’re not there?” Cas just snorted.

_“Anyway, can you bring me some books from school?”_

“Yeah, sure,” Dean sighed and drank his juice, putting it in the dishwasher. “I’ll call you when I’m there, go and get some fucking sleep or something.”

 _“Thanks,”_ Cas said and coughed again. _“Make sure the teacher’s been informed about my absence!”_

“Whatever you wish, your highness,” Dean said mockingly and hung up, hoping Cas would actually listen to his advice this time and stay in that freaking bed, only working on getting better.

“Hey, handsome,” Anna greeted him with a wide smile when she saw him coming into the Milton’s kitchen later that afternoon. Dean had stopped knocking altogether and just walked inside by the age of twelve and no one minded him at all. He’d had a huge crush on Anna when he was smaller, but who could blame him? Shiny, fiery hair and a white, pretty smile. It had cooled off after a couple of years though, thank god.

“Hello,” he saluted back wide a smile and opened a drawer to get a spoon. “Is that chilli I smell?”

“Don’t even try it, Winchester, I’ve put a lot of effort into that and it’s for dinner anyway.”

“Alright,” Dean chuckled. “Cas upstairs?”

“Yeah, he’s been sulking in bed all day,” Anna said and rolled her eyes. Dean shook his head and went up the stairs, slowly opening the door to Cas’ room. Cas eyes went from the TV across the room from his wide bed to Dean and he lit up.

“Hey, man, how are you doing?” Dean asked and stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

“Terrible,” Cas said pouty and sat up a bit straighter in the bed. He was more or less buried underneath the cover, so he pulled it down a little as Dean sat down next to him on the bed.

“Good thing food control is here then,” Dean said with a smile and Cas chuckled. Most people brought their friends soup when they were feeling sick, but not Dean Winchester. He brought them (and by ‘them’, I mean Cas) still-warm, homemade pie stuffing with ice cream. On today’s menu was rhubarb and strawberry with vanilla ice cream.

“Thank you,” Cas said and accepted the bowl and spoon Dean handed him, getting a big bite and humming contently.

“Any fever?” Dean asked and got more comfortable on the bed, crossing his legs underneath him.

“Not anymore,” Cas replied and took another bite, looking very grumpy all of a sudden. “Which makes it even more ridiculous that I had to stay at home.”

“Dude, you’re still sick,” Dean told him firmly.

“But I missed the test,” Cas mumbled and almost stabbed the ice cream to death.

“Don’t be such a geek,” Dean said and Cas huffed a laugh. “You can just do it when you get back.”

“Yeah, well…” Cas started but was more absorbed in his bowl than continuing that sentence. Dean turned his attention to the TV and almost choked when there was _a naked guy in close-up on the screen._

“Dude!” he said loudly and covered his eyes. “What the fuck are you watching?”

“Oh, sorry,” Cas said and changed the channel.

“Was that porn?” Dean asked horrified and dared a glance towards the TV, exhaling in relief to see that the Simpsons had replaced the naked dude.

“It was ‘Sex education’,” Cas said simply and took another spoonful. Dean was just about to open his mouth to tell him it still looked like porn, when Cas spoke again. “Did you know that more than 65% of male students lose their virginity before they finish high school?”

“Oh, not this again,” Dean sighed. “We’re not even close to finishing high school yet.”

“Most guys have at least hooked up by now,” Cas muttered and stared down into his bowl like it had personally offended him.

“Dude, come on, don’t beat yourself up about something some British chick said. There’s not need to rush it.”

“Says the guy who’s had sex since he was 14,” Cas muttered even darker and looked incredibly pouty.

“Stop comparing yourself to other people all the freaking time,” Dean said and took a handful of Skittles standing on Cas’ bedside table. “It’s not gonna do you any good to throw yourself at someone just to get it done with, you’re only gonna feel crappy about it.”

“I’m gonna die alone,” Cas mumbled irately under his breath and put the bowl down. Dean rolled his eyes and stole more candy.

“Hey, you can always come live with me and my harem of one night stands if you want to,” he joked and Cas actually laughed, looking a little less like life had screwed him over.

“I think I’d prefer to live alone with 15 cats,” he said and sniffled loudly, reaching for a napkin.

“Ouch!” Dean said and pretended to be offended, pressing a hand against his chest and throwing Skittles at Cas, who ducked them by diving under the cover.

\-------

A few days later and Cas was good to go again after a fever backfire and although he was still sniffling, he seemed to be back to normal. Dean decided that deserved a trip to get ice cream after school and Cas had instantly looked up from his locker with a brilliant smile on his face when Dean suggested it.

They were walking side by side with an ice-cream cone each, Cas’ chocolate and Dean’s strawberry, in the early autumn sun. Dean felt awesome. His baby turned out to be fixable, even if it’d take him quite some time, his best friend was back to school and life seemed more or less peachy right now. He glanced over to Cas. His dark hair was shining in the warm light and his cheeks were back to their normal colour, instead of that sick pale they’d been a few days ago.

“I heard Carmen Porter talking about you,” Cas told him between two mouthfuls.

“Oh, yeah?” Dean said and snapped back to reality.

“Yeah. At lunch.” He swallowed the ice cream in his mouth before the tip of his tongue darted out to lick them before he continued. “She was asking her friend if she had your number.” He gave Dean a small, meaningful smile and Dean chuckled.

“See, I don’t even have to be there to get the ladies.”

“It’s the second girl since your birthday,” Cas pointed out. It was true though, because after a terrible… well, breakup (except that they’d only been together for like two days) with Amanda Heckerling Dean had only hooked up once, with Cassie Robinson in a broom cupboard in school.

“Yeah, well, aren’t you just a great wingman,” Dean mumbled and Cas chuckled.

“If my mission was to get you female company I’d surely fail since I can’t even get any myself.” He sighed into his ice cream.

“Well, you know what I heard when you were snuggling in your bed all week?” Dean said cheerfully and elbowed him in the side.

“What?”

“Well, firstly these chicks were rating all the guys from school on the bus home and you were on the top five, my friend,” Dean exclaimed and threw an arm around his shoulders.

“Really?” Cas said hesitantly.

“Jesus, calm down, you don’t have to pee yourself with excitement,” Dean said and Cas laughed quietly. “And then they started discussing if you were single or not.”

“Me?” Cas said like Dean had told him he was the queen’s missing son.

“Yes, you,” Dean said. “One of them kinda thought we were together, but don’t worry, I set her all straight.” Dean grinned and Cas glanced up at him with a small blush on his cheeks. “Come on, man, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that a lot of girls are actually looking at you at school.” It was true, though. Somewhere around last year when Cas’ bone structure got more mature and his body grew taller and leaner, more and more girls started following him with their eyes as the two of them walked down the corridors until he was watched by just as many girls as Dean. Which wasn’t that many, mind you, it’s not like the whole corridor was staring, but there were a few nice looks here and there. Cas looked like he didn’t know what to say to that, but there was a delighted tugging on his lips and Dean felt happy for him.

\-------

The next time the two of them were sent to the principal’s office it was actually Cas’ fault. Or well, mostly. At least he’d started it.

It was during religion class - a very sensitive subject to criticise considering that they went to a catholic school - and Cas was giving the teacher a really hard time about the bibles view on abortion. Dean was really, really amused by the discussion and had to bite himself hard in the lip not to laugh because Cas was actually kicking the teacher’s ass. The more the discussion evolved the more frustrated the teacher got until she was starting to be kinda offending and that’s where Dean joined in, except that he wasn’t even close to as refined in his use of language as Cas was. It ended with Dean accidentally cursing four times before the teacher snapped and here they were again, sitting on the same damn uncomfortable chairs and waiting for the principal to let them in.

“I’m sorry,” Dean muttered with his arms crossed over his chest, feeling like a small child.

“It’s fine,” Cas said from where he was reading a biology textbook. No better place to study than outside the principal’s office, right?

“I should have let you handle it. You’re so much better than me at those things anyway.”

“That is not of import,” Cas told him and glanced up from the book. “I like it when you get mad and curse at the teachers.” Dean felt a small, proud flutter in his stomach and his lips tugged upwards.

“Well, it’s nice to know that I’m useful for something,” he said and clapped a hand down on Cas’ knee. Cas smiled at him before he turned his eyes back to the book. Dean watched him as he read, watched his concentrated eyes move across the pages and his tongue moving out to wet his lips as he turned a page. When the door opened Dean realised that he’d kept his hand on Cas’ knee all along and quickly removed it. Not that they weren’t used to touching each other and being close and stuff, but grabbing the other person’s knee for ages was just weird. Dean thought he must be tired.

Both of them actually got detention. Dean almost cursed at the principal too, but Cas stopped him with a hand on his arm in the last second.

“Fucking bitch, it’s so fucking unfair, the fucking teacher was being fucking provocative and you fucking didn’t even do anything wrong,” Dean muttered under his breath when he and Cas was swapping the floors in the locker rooms the next day after classes had ended.

“If you say ‘fucking’ one more time I may have to cut your tongue out,” Cas said. Dean grunted instead and Cas looked kinda amused.

“I’m really sorry I got you into this,” Dean said and hit the mop against the floor, hoping to cause it pain. The only thing in pain though were his hands, because he got like three wooden bits stuck in his palms from that stupid, ancient mop.

“It’s fine, I started it anyway,” Cas said and genuinely didn’t look mad. That was exactly why Dean didn’t deserve him.

“This is exactly why I don’t deserve you,” he told him and Cas laughed.

“You do bring me stuffing and ice cream when I get sick,” he replied and raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, well, you bring me French fries, so you’re still a level above me,” Dean said and playfully knocked his mop against Cas’.

“Fine, then how about when you stayed up all night to help me finish the science project?” Cas tried again and fought Dean’s mop with his own.

“What is this, a ‘who’s the better friend’-competition?” Dean asked with a small grin and shoved his mop against Cas’ ankle instead, totally wetting his pants.

“Yes,” Cas said and groaned quietly when his trouser leg got wet, kicking Dean’s mop away. They ended up spending more time fighting the War of the Mops instead of actually cleaning, but after two hours their detention time was up and they walked out of the school, both half soaked. The front of Cas’ white shirt was clinging to his chest and he had an amused smile on his face as he tried to keep it from sticking to his body. 

“Dude, you look like something from a porno,” Dean said and smirked when Cas looked almost horrified.

“Well, you’re not exactly any better,” he said with a voice too high and Dean had to cling to his shoulder because he started laughing so hard. He buried his face against Cas’ shoulder blade and Cas looked really entertained as Dean almost collapsed on him.

“Dude, I love you,” Dean chuckled and wiped a few tears away.

“I’m glad,” Cas replied and let Dean pull him with him down the road.

They went home to Dean’s house and Mary looked at them with a laughing expression on her face.

“What on earth have you done now?” she asked and eyed their wet uniforms.

“Detention,” Cas said simply like that explained everything and Dean was snorting with laughter again.

“Alright, you go and change,” she chuckled and waved with a spoon towards the stairs. “Dinner’s ready in an hour.”

Cas borrowed a pair of Dean’s jeans that were just barely hanging up on his hips. Dean found himself staring at him as Cas stood with his naked back towards him in the middle of pulling a t-shirt over his head that he’d left there a few weeks ago. There was nothing unusual about Cas leaving clothes at Dean’s house and vice versa. Dean shook his head and sat down by his desk at his old stationary computer. It was still great for playing ‘The walking dead’ and ‘Call of duty’ on though, even if it looked like a massive chuck of plastics.

“Hey, you wanna download something?” he asked Cas, who walked up to him. The hem of the shirt had stuck just an inch above his waistline and Dean found himself staring again. He lightly shook his head, wondered if he was getting tired (or brain damaged), because his eyes kinda stuck at weird places when he was, and turned back to the screen.

“Game of Thrones!” Cas said excitedly and gripped Dean’s mouse to open a tab.

“Not again!” Dean complained and Cas hit him in the midriff from where he was leaning over him. His chest was pressed against Dean’s shoulder and Dean was surprised to find that he actually noticed in the first place. Cas could stand pretty much flush against him and he wouldn’t even think twice about it and now they were barely close at all and Dean was suddenly tensing up. God, he really must be tired.

\-------

At the beginning of the next day they were standing by their lockers, Cas picking out books and Dean absentmindedly staring at his back (had that uniform jacket always looked so good on him?) with a small frown on his face, until he noticed out of the corner of his eye how a girl with long, dark hair was walking up to them, eyes locked on Cas and a smile on her face. Dean felt something bitter tugging at the base of his belly.

“Hi, I’m Meg,” she said and stopped in front of Cas, casually putting her hands in the pockets of her uniform jacket and leaning on a hip.

“Hi,” Cas replied and looked like he wasn’t really sure what to do with himself. “I’m Cas.” Dean swallowed and noticed a sour taste at the back of his throat as he turned to his locker to take out a book. Why was he feeling so weird? Was he having a heartburn or something?

“How’s it going?” the chick called Meg said.

“Eh… good, thank you?” Cas said uncertainty and Dean could imagine how his eyes were sort of flacking from side to side like they used to when he was feeling nervous about something. Dean had just stopped with his hands resting on the edge of the shelf inside the locker, more involved with concentrating on the conversation going on on the other side of his locker door than on actually retrieving the book itself.

“Nice. So hey, you wanna go out some time?” Meg said. Dean felt like he’d been punched in the stomach and he swallowed, standing there frozen and confused about what just happened as he listened for the conversation to continue.

“Eh… yes. I mean, sure,” Castiel replied. Dean’s heart fell. Seriously fell. What was going on with him?

“Great, see you later then,” the chick said and Dean heard her walk past him.

Dean’s eyes teared up, his chest started aching, his breathing accelerated and he felt anger pounding at the edge of his senses and he didn’t understand what was happening to him, only that he was freaking out and he had to get out of there because he was going to flip or punch something. He shoved his locker shut and turned around without wanting to look at Cas, because there was something acidic in his chest.

“Dean?” Cas called after him as he walked away, trying not to run or flee with his pulse beating in his ears.

“I just forgot something, I’ll catch up,” he managed to call over his shoulder and his voice sounded hoarse. Why was it sounding hoarse? What the fuck was happening to him? He slipped into the closest empty classroom and slumped down on a desk, trying to breathe and hiding his face in his hands, because he wanted to yell and flee and curl up into a ball at the same time and his chest was compressing and his mind was almost spinning. Why was he freaking out? Why did the whole world feel like it was crashing? Why was he acting like this over someone asking Cas out? It was completely irrational and if he didn’t know any better he’d think he was having a freaking crush on hi-

Oh.

\- a crush on his best friend.

Oh. Well, fuck. That was new.

He let the feeling settle inside him, felt it meld inside his chest like cordial in a glass of water, until it stilled and rested. It was… not unpleasant. Instead it felt… warm. And comforting.

He pressed a light hand against his chest, feeling like something new, something alien had nestled inside him, like a piece was inserted and fit effortlessly, like it had been supposed to be there all along.

He had a crush on Cas. Ha!

And then he remembered why he was hiding in the classroom to begin with, how Cas eyes had sort of shined when he saw Meg and how light his voice had sounded when they’d talked and how he’d looked… excited. About someone other than Dean. About the prospect of falling in love with someone else, being with someone else. 

Dean clutched the front of his shirt that seemed to become too small as his chest tightened and cramped with this stabbing emotion that he couldn’t fully explain.

And then he also remembered that Cas was straight. He was straight. Even if Dean would ever be able to tell him about how he felt right now or if there was no one else to fight for his attention with, Cas would never be able to give him the same thing back. He’d look at him with sympathetic eyes, feeling hurt for him and looking upset before he’d tell him, ‘Dean, I’m sorry, I- I don’t feel that way about you.’

Cas would get together with Meg and get married and Dean would have to be the best man and act happy for them and like he wasn’t breaking into pieces and then they’d get cute, perfect children with dark hair and ocean blue eyes.

Dean sort of hiccupped as he wouldn’t let a sob slip out and he tried to clear his throat and dry his eyes. He was being ridiculous. And selfish. Of course he could never tell Cas about this and of course he had no right whatsoever to bring him that kind of distress. It was a crush. Crushes pass. Period. He’d just have to suck it up and don’t be such a drama queen and act like suddenly all the lame love songs were making sense, because he had no right to even consider interfering with Cas’ happiness or his chances of finding someone he liked, even if that someone was a stupid girl with an arrogant smile that she probably wore even when she was giving Cas really great blowjobs-

Oh, ew. Bad thought. Let’s never go there again.

Stupid girl. And stupid Dean for not having a fucking grip of himself.

He inhaled sharply as he pushed himself off the desk and walked out the door, peeking down the corridor. Cas was gone, which wasn’t that weird when Dean discovered that he’d been inside that classroom for 25 minutes. That meant it was only 55 minutes left in class and that made it totally pointless to go at all. He’d barely have time to get there before it ended, right? Yeah, totally. Much better to just go wait by the newly fixed Impala until Cas showed up and he’d give him a ride home.

By the time Cas was walking out the front door of the school Dean was leaning against his baby in the warm sun, a small effortless smile on his face and all strained feelings pushed far away inside him.

“Where were you?” Cas asked and looked a little mad and a little worried at the same time.

“Just enjoying the weather,” Dean replied and went over to the other side of the car. “Why sit inside a boring classroom and mould when you can be outside, right?”

“Whatever,” Cas said. “But I’m not covering for you again.”

Dean just shook his head and got in the car, started the engine as Cas slipped in beside him and drove them off.

\-------

Suddenly it was Friday and time for Cas’ date. He’d been really nervous about it, sitting on Dean’s bedroom floor with a forgotten history book in his hands and stared right in front of him as he rambled ‘What if?’:s. Dean had actually felt kinda warm about his best friend confiding in him like they had since they were kids and managed to feel good about supporting him in spite of the agonising situation, so he’d pushed a hand through Cas’ hair, a bit more roughly than necessary to hide how much he loved it, and told Cas it was gonna be great, don’t worry about it.

Although right now it was nine o’clock in the evening and Dean was in bed - sulking, pretending he wasn’t in bed - sulking. And like that wasn’t enough to bring a guy down, everything on TV sucked. Big time. Seriously, he could pretty much choose between a Sex and the city marathon or Schindler’s list. Both were equally depressing.

He looked at his phone for the seventh time in the last 15 minutes and sighed when there was still no text or call or anything. Not that he expected Cas to sit around and text him just like that when he was on a date, but just shut up already. He kinda wished he hadn’t figured this whole crush thing out to begin with, because then he could do something productive with his life right now instead of lying around here like freaking Sleeping Beauty waiting for his prince to show. Okay, horrible metaphor, really horrible, never doing that again.

By ten he decided that _fuck life_ and got downstairs to get a sandwich, trying to make it look yummy but it just looked sad instead, and then went straight to bed. He lay there and begged for sleep, rubbing his eyes and sighing frustratingly. The thought about jerking off crossed his mind because that usually worked with the problem of not falling asleep but just as he was about to get his hand in his pants, the only thing he could see before him was Cas. And that was just wrong, on so many levels. He couldn’t do that to him, he just couldn’t, it would be wrong and Cas would be terrified if he ever found out. So no having fun with yourself tonight, Dean Winchester. 

When the clock started moving towards midnight he was actually starting to get sleepy and was just about to nod off when his phone rang on his bedside table. He jerked awake with a small gruff and blinked hard to work out where he was and what was happening before he reached over to the buzzing phone and picked it up.

“Hello?” he said and his voice sounded hoarse.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas’ excited voice said in the other end. “Did I wake you?”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine,” Dean said and propped himself up, trying to make himself completely awake. “Everything okay?”

“Yes!” Cas said enthusiastically. “I mean, yes. It’s very okay.”

“I take it the date is over then?” Dean said with a small and not at all sad laugh. Get a grip, Winchester.

“Yes!” Cas said again, sounding so happy Dean was warm and aching at the same time. He tried to make his brain stop chanting ‘without you, without you, without you’ over and over again, but it wasn’t working that well.

“So come on then, spill,” Dean ordered and was glad he was sounding genuinely happy for him, because on some weird level, he really was.

Cas told him about the movie and the cheap food diner and how Meg had held his hand and how she was really funny and outgoing and how he’d kissed her in front of her door and-

“-and… and I think I might actually like her, Dean,” Cas finished and Dean could see that innocent, ecstatic face in front of him with twinkling blue eyes and a excited smile and his heart ached.

“That’s awesome man, I told you it’d be great,” was what he managed to get out, but his voice still sounded strained. He just hoped Cas wouldn’t pick up on it, because he was losing his footing here.

“Uhm, yes,” Cas breathed and Dean knew he was pulling his hand through that impossible hair of his. “We’re going out next week again.”

“Great,” Dean said and fuck it, he didn’t even sound convincing in his own ears. Getting a grip, like right fucking now.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Of course Cas would hear it, Cas could throw one look at him and make him an entire psychoanalysis if he felt like it.

“Yeah, sure, just, you know… tired,” he said and threw in a small laugh to make it sound casual.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Cas blurted and sounded remorseful.

“Don’t worry about it, man,” Dean said.

“Well, I’ll let you sleep.”

“See you tomorrow, right?” Dean said and looked up at the ceiling.

“Of course,” Cas said. “Sleep tight.”

“You too, sweetheart,” Dean mumbled into the phone, because Cas had already hung up. Well, if this weren’t the most depressed he’d ever felt in his whole life. He put the phone next to his pillow, still hearing Cas’ voice in his head and closed his eyes, trying not to let tears fall down his cheeks.

\-------

The following week was torture. Pure, agonising torture. Cas was bubbly and cute, cute, all the freaking time and all Dean could do was shove all those emotions he was having as far back into his chest as he could and just go with it. It went fine actually, or at least completely okay. Until Meg decided to show up at their lockers again.

“Hey, honey,” she said like she and Cas had been married for 20 years.

“Hello,” Cas said and smiled. Dean rolled his eyes and held his breath, because if he didn’t he would most likely shout something really rude at her. He tried so hard not to listen to their conversation about where to go on their next date, but it was like trying not to listen to a baby crying four feet away from you. When that stupid, unbearable girl finally left with a small kiss to Cas’ lips Dean felt like he was about to pass out. Cas stood there with a few fingers pressed against his lips and a small, happy smile on his face. Dean wanted to cry. Cas’ eyes went over to Dean and the smile was instantly replaced with a frown and a worried look in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked and stepped into Dean’s personal space, putting a hand on his forehead. “You’re very pale.”

“No, it’s… I think I might have a stomach flu or something,” Dean lied between his teeth and hoped Cas would take all the signals of Dean lying as him feeling sick instead.

“Oh,” Cas said and removed his hand. “I’ll take you to the nurse.” He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean let him steer him towards the nurse, because what else could he do? Then he was propped up on the bunk and lying to Mrs Robertson about how yes, he was feeling very sick and yes, it could totally be those spring rolls he had for lunch. Cas stood leaning next to the door and looked worried. The nurse hadn’t even questioned if he would come with Dean inside - she just held the door open and asked if he wanted a glass of water. Dean felt horrible and it had nothing to do with his lunch. Cas was worried and all because Dean had lied to him, because he just fucking couldn’t tell him how he felt. God, this was frustrating. And then Mrs Robertson told Dean he’d better go home and now he’d have to spend all day in his house, pretending to be sick and probably having to answer questions from his dad, because this just had to be his day off too. If there was one thing Dean was certain off, it was that God was most likely sitting on top of his cloud and laughing as he messed Dean’s life up even more.

\-------

When another Friday rolled in, Dean was prepared. This time he was gonna spend the evening with a run, then fixing up the Impala to perfection before hopefully falling unconscious before his head hit the pillow. Cas had been fidgeting even more than last time, both from excitement and pure terror of him messing something up. Dean walked with him after school until he had to turn right where Cas would keep going straight ahead.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he told Cas for what felt like the billionth time and put a hand on his shoulder.

“But what if she doesn’t like Italian?” Cas said and looked at him with wide, panicking eyes.

“Cas, for fuck’s sake,” Dean said and gripped his other shoulder too. “If she likes you, then the food’s not gonna be a problem. And it’s a popular restaurant, so it can’t suck that bad.” Cas nodded and looked more stunned than panicking by now. Well, small victories and all that.

“Good,” he said and nodded a bit more before he shook his head instead. “No, I mean, thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said and gave him a quick, tight hug and so what if he might have lingered a little bit longer than necessary? He was breaking inside and he wanted his best friend close, is that so hard to understand? “Just have fun, okay?” he told him and patted his shoulder once.

“Yes, I will,” Cas said and his eyes lit up a bit as he looked up at Dean and smiled. “So what are you doing tonight? How did it go with Carmen Porter?”

“Oh, that,” Dean said sheepishly. “Didn’t really work out.” What he didn’t tell Cas was that they’d hooked up in the good old broom cupboard and all Dean could see before him when Carmen blew him was Cas. If that wasn’t a moment-killer, he didn’t know what was.

“Too bad,” Cas said with an empathic look in his eyes. He glanced at his watch and swallowed. “I have to go.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you,” Dean said and threw in a laugh that ended up sounding forced. Cas blinked at him a few times and then seemed to decide to just leave it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and put his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“Yeah, have fun,” Dean told him and turned around, feeling a strong need to just get the hell out of there.

\-------

“I think we’re gonna do it,” Cas said out of the blue from where he was sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor with biology sheets lying in a big circle around him. It was exactly five days since Cas’ last date and he had been even more of an emotional rollercoaster than last time, going between ecstatic to horrified to apathetic in two minutes. 

Dean looked up from where he was sitting on Cas’ bed with Cas’ computer on his thighs, potentially looking for porn just for the hell of it.

“What?” he said and felt confused. Cas looked up at him with slightly wide eyes.

“Well…” Cas started and looked down at the papers again, blushing. “I just think me and Meg… I think tonight might be the night we have sex.” Dean’s heart shattered. Cas looked up at him again, flushed cheeks, shining eyes and a smile playing at the corners of his lips. “That’s what third dates are for, right?”

“Yeah,” Dean managed to croak out and he instantly cleared his throat, making a little to big a thing out of it. “Yeah, you… you really like her then?”

“Yes, I think I do,” Cas said and huffed a small, happy laugh. Dean wanted to yell at something and cry at the same time, preferably curled up in Cas’ bed, because it was so safe and comfortable.

“That’s great, man,” he forced himself to say. It felt like that was becoming his catch line these days.

“Are you feeling well?” Cas asked, all concerned and caring and for a second Dean wanted to punch him for being so perfect all the fucking time.

“Yeah, just peachy,” Dean said and flashed a smile. Cas kept eye contact with him for a long time, searching his face, but just as he opened his mouth to say something his mom called from downstairs to say that dinner was ready. For the first time in ages, Dean didn’t stay.

\-------

It was somewhere around ten in the evening, rain was pouring down outside and Dean was wandering between the kitchen and the living room like some kind of living dead. At least, that’s what he felt like. He was flooding in self-pity and hurt and he just wanted to disappear, but if he tried shutting himself in his bedroom he would just jump out the window or something, so he stayed downstairs, pretending all this walking had a really good purpose when Sam looked at him funny and disappeared up the stairs with a Pepsi without a word. 

Dean was just about to head upstairs anyway, trying to get some early sleep or whatever when the doorbell rang. He walked up to the front door and pulled it open.

“Dean…” Cas said where he stood on his doorstep, looking distressed and upset and apologetic and completely soaked to the bone. “Dean, I- I couldn’t do it. It was going really great and she was really cute and funny and then we started making out and it felt great, but then I just couldn’t do it. There was something holding me back and I panicked, I just had to get out of there.” He looked genuinely confused and anxious about why it had happened and he sniffled, drying his nose on his sleeve and looking like he was freezing to death or something.

“Come inside, you’re gonna get yourself killed,” Dean urged and pulled him through the door. He wanted to pull him into a hug too, but didn’t think he’d be able to without clinging to him in pure relief that he was there and not with Meg. Cas stood there in the middle of Dean’s hallway, like he hadn’t been there every other day for almost his whole life, shifting from foot to foot and wiping his nose again with his even wetter sleeve. “So it wasn’t that you couldn’t get it up?” he asked as he helped Cas out of his uncooperative, clinging jacket.

“No, no, it wasn’t,” Cas said and seemed to assure both Dean and himself. “We hadn’t even gotten that far and I just froze. It was like there was a big barrier and I couldn’t get through it, so I ran instead.” He looked up at Dean, eyes flickering between his. “I messed it up.”

“Hey, man, it’s okay,” Dean said and put a hand on his shoulder. Damn, he really was soaked to the bone. “There’s more fish in the sea and you gonna find a hundred more girls that are really great and that you’ll like. No need to rush it.” Cas kept looking at him as Dean guided him up the stairs and into his room, getting him a towel and a t-shirt and sweatpants to borrow. The sweatpants were actually Cas’ to begin with, he’d just left them there and never bothered to get them back since he slept there every so often anyway. It was his second home, goddammit.

“I still don’t understand,” Cas said as he dried his hair. Dean sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at him. “I mean, if I really liked her there shouldn’t have been any problems, should it?”

“Maybe she just wasn’t right,” Dean offered. 

“And there’s not like there’s someone else either,” Cas continued with something meaningful in his voice that Dean was guessing was disappointment. He felt bad for him and like he’d been the one to mess them up because he’d wished so dearly they actually wouldn’t sleep together. There were moments in Dean’s life when he had to face how incredibly selfish he was and this was one of them. “Hey, man, I’m really sorry it didn’t work out,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Cas said and looked gloomy where he fiddled with the towel. “I just thought it could actually work out.” He looked so miserable and sad that Dean just had to get up and take the towel from him to give him a hug.

“Don’t worry, man, you’re gonna find someone even better,” he tried to comfort him as he rubbed circles over his back with his hand. “I promise,” he added and patted him on the shoulder, moving back to throw the towel into the overfull laundry basket. Cas nodded and sighed before he went over to Dean’s closet and pulled out the mattress that was shoved in between the piece of furniture and the wall.

“It’s just very frustrating,” he muttered as he put the mattress in the middle of the floor, which means right next to Dean’s bed because there wasn’t that much floor to begin with. Dean threw down one of his pillows and Cas pulled the spare comforter over to him and lay down, still looking like all hope had abandoned him.

“Hey, at least you didn’t cry out the wrong name,” Dean helped with a small smirk and patted his shoulder again from where he was lying in his bed. Cas huffed a small, tired laugh and looked up at Dean.

“Yes, I suppose that would have been worse,” he said and sighed a little lighter than before. He looked up into Dean’s eyes with something warm and searching and held the eye contact until Dean snapped out of almost drowning in the blue eyes and lay back down on his bed.

“That’s the spirit,” Dean told him and turned the lights out. “G’night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

\-------

Dean woke up kinda early the next morning from the sun shining in through the window. He stretched his arms out and rolled over, only to see Cas lying below him with his face turned away and still seeming very much asleep. To say he was gorgeous would have been an insult, because there wasn’t even words to describe him. Dean huffed a little to himself. Okay, so maybe he actually was turning really soft, but it didn’t seem to matter, because no one would ever know, would they? He could keep his secret until the day he died if he wanted to and that thought was oddly comforting.

He looked down at Cas again and his dark hair and relaxed body, one arm draped along his side. His skin looked just as soft as Dean knew it was and he shuffled closer to the edge of the bed. It wouldn’t kill anyone if he reached down and touched Castiel’s hand if he made sure he didn’t wake him. They’d been sleeping in the same room for years and years and Dean knew exactly how to work around Cas without waking him up. He slowly reached down and stretched his hand towards Cas’. Nerves tickled in his stomach before he took a silent breath and gently stroked his fingers down Castiel’s wrist and gently took his hand. Cas’ head snapped around and he looked at him with eyes wide of surprise.

Oh fuck.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. He hadn’t been asleep at all, oh fuck, how could Dean mess this up? He froze with his eyes locked on Cas’ and his hand still in his and time seemed to stop. Cas just stared at him with big blue eyes and he breathed a little fast and a little light. Dean almost felt his world shatter. He quickly retrieved his hand from Cas’ and fell back into the bed. He wanted, well, had to, say something and he opened and closed his mouth several times; really hoping Cas wouldn’t be able to see him from where he was lying.

“I’m sorry, I thought you were asleep,” was what came out of his mouth.

“No, I wasn’t,” Cas said quietly. “I, eh… don’t suppose you were trying to tell me something?”

“No, of course not,” Dean replied and an easy laugh rolled over his lips. “It’s not like I’d ever come onto you, dude.” The words stung so bad when he said them, so incredibly bad, but he still managed to keep that casual smile on his face.

“Of course not,” Castiel agreed quietly, but he sounded weird. Why did he sound weird? ‘Oh, how about maybe because his male best friend was touching him when he thought he was asleep’ Dean’s brain helped. Dean just prayed to God he hadn’t freaking Cas out enough to make him pull away, because he was honestly not sure he’d be able to handle that, stupid crush or not. Suddenly Cas was on his feet, pulling Dean’s shirt over his head and snatching his own, kinda-dry up from the floor.

“Hey, where’s the fire?” Dean asked puzzled and tried to swallow down the very sour taste in the back of his throat.

“Thank you for letting me stay, I really appreciate it,” Cas was mumbling as he collected the rest of his stuff, keeping the sweatpants on, which meant he would actually bring them back to his place and no, no, no, he was leaving, oh god, he was leaving!

“Hey, Cas. Cas, wait!” Dean called and stumbled out of bed to get to him before he ran out the door. “I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, don’t go, okay?” He knew he was rambling, but he didn’t care because he had other things to worry about, for example to make sure his best friend didn’t walk out that door because Dean would suffocate and break down and cry.

“Don’t worry, it’s not like you meant anything by it, did you?” Cas said without looking at him and he sounded hollow.

“No, I really didn’t, I promise!” Dean ensured him. He hovered with his hand by Cas’ shoulder, not sure if he wanted to grip it or if that would get him punched. Cas just looked even sadder and now Dean was really lost. What the fuck was going on? Why wasn’t Cas looking happy or relieved that his friend wasn’t making a move on him? 

“Hey, talk to me, why are you looking like that?” Dean said worriedly and gripped his shoulder after all, trying to make him look him in the eye.

“Leave it, you don’t want to hear it,” Cas said and tried to shake his hand off.

“Yes, of course I do,” Dean said a bit offended. “Come on, spill.”

“No, let me go,” Cas muttered and pushed his hand away to open the door, but Dean slammed an arm against it to hold it shut.

“Don’t leave me,” he said before he could stop himself and Cas’ eyes snapped up to his. Dean could feel the earth underneath his feet tilt, so he just kept staring Cas in the eye, those familiar eyes that’s he’d seen almost everyday since he was a kid and had now decided to fall in love with. Bad decision, very bad decision.

“You’re going to want me to leave,” Castiel said and he looked so hurt and hopeless, like he was a beaten puppy or something.

“Why the fuck would I want you to leave?” Dean asked. None of this made any sense to him and the fact that he couldn’t breathe properly was starting to become a real issue.

“Because you don’t want this from me,” Cas said. He looked like he was giving something up and the spark in his eyes seemed to die. “I thought that maybe you were trying to show me something, that you were starting to have feelings for me, and I would have wanted you to, because I’m starting to feel something for you, Dean, something not entirely platonic and then you touched me and-” He looked at Dean with those dead eyes and exhaled through his nose. “I thought that maybe you were feeling something for me anyway, but I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

Dean didn’t know what to do. His mind was working at highest speed, trying to fit the pieces together.

“But… but you’re straight!” he finally managed to spit out. Cas winced.

“Not entirely,” he replied and Dean stared at him even more. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you and then it didn’t seem like it mattered anyway. It’s not as if you’d ever feel something like that for me anyway.” 

Dean’s heart was breaking. Literarily breaking. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, this wasn’t how the world worked. He was supposed to be the one apologising and looking like he expected to be slapped across the face.

“I’ll see myself out,” Castiel said flatly and put his hand on the doorknob, shoving it open and making Dean stumble back a few steps with the force of it.

“No, wait, now hold on a second,” Dean said and pulled him back inside by his arm, shutting the door firmly. “Cas, I love you,” he said quickly, because Cas needed to understand.

“Yes, I know, you don’t have to make the effort,” Cas said and sighed deeply, looking like he was about to cry. “I just messed this up too.”

“No, Cas, you’re not listening,” Dean urged, “I love you. I got this freaking crush on you, but I thought it’d freak you out and then you went out with Meg, so I just kept my mouth shut.” Cas stared at him.

“But you’re straight!” he exclaimed loudly.

“Well, I thought you were straight!” Dean shot back. Cas just kept staring at him, mouth hanging open.

“Wait, you have a crush on me?”

“Yeah,” Dean said a bit sheepishly and huffed a small laugh.

“But…” Cas started, not seeming to know how to continue. His eyes flacked between Dean’s and he still had one hand on the doorknob. “So I didn’t mess this up?”

“No, you didn’t,” Dean said. “Cas, I know we’re friends and everything, but I kinda can’t stand you seeing anyone else and I know it’s selfish, but I want you so bad and I can’t help it.” Cas was starting to get some life back into his eyes, some real life with light radiating and everything.

“I want you too,” he croaked out and put a tentative hand on Dean’s wrist. “I really want you too.” Dean’s entire abdomen was fluttering and tingling spread all the way down his legs.

“Can I… can I just try something?” he asked quietly and moved an inch closer. He hadn’t noticed how up in each other’s spaces they were already, but on the other hand, they always were. Cas nodded and he was breathing shallowly. Dean swallowed down a big lump of nerves and put a hand on Cas’ neck, making his breath hitch. Then he slowly and carefully leaned in, feeling Cas’ hand clutch at the hem of Dean’s t-shirt, and kissed him. It was just a small kiss, only lips gently pressing against lips, but Dean felt it like an electric shock all the way down his body. He pulled back and Cas kept the hand fisted into his shirt. There was a slight blush on Cas’ cheeks and Dean stared at him, thinking how extremely beautiful he was. “How ‘bout that, huh?” Dean said barely audible and Cas huffed a breathy laugh. He put an arm around Dean’s back and pulled him in to an embrace. Dean hugged him back, like he’d done a million times before, but this time it was different. Warmer and closer and he found himself sighing.

“I was so afraid I’d ruined us,” Cas said and hugged him closer. “I thought I’d lost my best friend and it felt like I was going to disperse.” Dean laughed quietly.

“You and me both,” he said and rubbed soothing circles over his back by old habit. Cas pulled back and his eyes flickered between Dean’s eyes and his lips.

“Keep still,” Cas said quietly and put his hands on Dean’s neck. Dean just stood there, breathing light and fast and with anticipation tingling in his body. Cas looked up at him to get the agreement from his best friend like he’d used to do before whatever he was doing. Then he slowly, oh so agonisingly slowly, leaned in and pressed his lips to Dean’s, tentatively moving a bit to melt them together. Dean inhaled sharply and his hands moved up to Cas’ sides to hold him in place. Being close to Cas was so ordinary and natural, but still so completely different from anything before. He exhaled sharply through his nose and pulled Cas closer, wrapping him in his arms. Cas’ t-shirt was still damp, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to hold him close and shield them from the world.

“Wait, did you say you had that crush on me when I went out with Meg the first time?” Cas suddenly said and pulled away far enough to look at Dean, still holding onto him around his waist.

“Yeah,” Dean admitted. “Well, that’s when I figured it out anyway, but I think it started before that.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Cas said and looked horrified. “You let me go out with her for weeks and didn’t even think to tell me?”

“You liked her!” Dean shot back. “I thought I’d just let the crush pass.” Cas looked like his heart was breaking.

“You think I’d put a girl before you, even without any romantic feelings?” Dean just shrugged a little awkwardly. “Dean, you can’t just go around and be hurt without me knowing about it!” Cas said explicatory, like he was talking to a small child. “We tell each other everything and this is just ridiculous!”

“Yeah, I know, self-scarifying and all that,” Dean said with a small smile. Cas just shook his head.

“Would it kill you to actually listen to me once in a while?”

“Yes, probably,” Dean chuckled and nudged their noses together to try and find out what the felt like. It was awesome. He got even more curious, so he pushed a hand on Cas’ chest so that his back gently hit the door and leaned down to capture his lips again, lightly nudging his tongue against them. God, it was amazing. There was a tug of arousal in his stomach, his legs tingled and he inhaled through his nose when Cas’ arms pulled him in closer and opened his mouth a little bit.

“Wait,” Cas said and broke the kiss, hiding his face against Dean’s neck.

“Everything okay?” Dean asked and felt worried.

“I just made out with my best friend,” Cas said quietly and hugged him closer. Dean felt a chuckle bubbly up and he laughed into Cas’ hair.

“Yeah, it’s pretty weird,” Dean replied.

“I may potentially be very scared right now,” Cas continued and Dean frowned.

“Why?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a huge irrevocability about this situation,” he said and Dean had to smile.

“Your scared we’re gonna mess it up and not be friends anymore?” Dean asked him and pulled away.

“Yes,” Cas said flatly and swallowed.

“Dude, it’s still just me,” Dean said and Cas narrowed his eyes like he did when he was considering something, listening to what someone said. “We’ll just tug along like we always do, take it in our own speed and not get all ceremonial about it. Alright?”

“Alright,” Cas replied and smiled a little.

“Hey, I said ceremonial,” Dean said proudly and grinned when Cas snorted a laugh.

“I’ll make sure someone presents you with a medal,” he said mockingly and Dean grinned even bigger.

\-------

That night Cas didn’t sleep on Dean’s mattress, but in his bed instead. He’d stayed at Dean’s house all day and they’d watched some TV, eaten really unhealthy food and had a small food fight in the kitchen when no one else was home. When the evening rolled in they went up to Dean’s room again and sat down on Dean’s bed to watch more Game of Thrones on Dean’s computer, because Cas had been all puppy eyes about it until Dean just gave in.

“It was my fault you couldn’t get together with Meg, wasn’t it?” Dean said 15 minutes in on an episode. He knew it wasn’t exactly his fault since he hadn’t done anything worse than being bad at hiding his feelings, but Cas would know what he meant. Cas looked up at him from where he’d been busy licking salt off his fingers from the snacks.

“Yes, it was,” he replied and Dean nodded to himself.

“Well, I’m really not gonna say I’m sorry,” he said and turned to place a kiss into Cas’ hair. It felt weird that he was allowed to do this now, whenever he wanted.

“I can’t say I’m too distraught about it either anymore,” Cas said and put the snacks bowl on the floor. “Although I suspect it will be very awkward if I see her in school.” Dean was about to ask why he’d put the snacks away when Cas leaned over and kissed him, putting his hands underneath his shirt and whoa, that actually felt kinda good. Dean slowly lay down on his back, bringing Cas with him, and tentatively sneaked his tongue inside his mouth. It felt warm and fluttery and he found himself holding onto Cas like his life depended on it as Cas’ tongue stroked against his.

“Would you be mad if I told you I’m really, really glad you didn’t sleep with her?” Dean asked against his lips.

“Not really,” Cas said and broke the kiss to press his lips against Dean’s cheek instead.

“I mean, I know you liked her for real, I’m not saying anything else,” Dean started babbling. “But if you actually got together with her I might’ve died and I want you to be happy, you know, but it would still hurt like hell and just-“

“Dean, shut up,” Cas said and pushed their lips together again, muffling Dean’s words. “I’m happy it didn’t work out between you and Carmen either, now that you mention it.”

“Yeah, that was actually your fault,” Dean said and Cas broke the kiss to frown at him.

“How could that be my fault?”

“Because I kept thinking about you when I was with her,” Dean told him and Cas’ mouth snapped shut.

“Oh,” was all he said and Dean chuckled at him.

\-------

The first time Dean kissed Cas in public, it was completely unintentional. He was late for class so when he got there he sneaked in, hurried to the back of the classroom, pressed a swift kiss to Cas’ lips and slid down into the seat next to him. And then he froze. There was a moment of complete, utter silence and then someone cheered and suddenly there was noise and voices everywhere, shouting and applauding and Dean just swallowed and tried to get a grip around what was happening.

“I believe we just came out,” Cas whispered helpfully next to him and Dean just swallowed again, nodding.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled back.

“No need to worry,” Cas assured him. “Although I would prefer if you didn’t start referring to me as your ‘boyfriend.’ I’m still just Cas.”

“I can do that,” Dean said and felt embarrassed when his voice sounded too light.

Someone started shouting ‘Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!’ and Dean’s mind just went fuck no!

“This ain’t some fucking porno,” he shouted back, but then he felt soft finger on his chin, turning his head around and next thing he knew, Cas was kissing him, leaned across the seats in the middle of the classroom. People started shouting even more, totally ignoring Mrs Swan’s attempts to make them calm down, but Dean didn’t hear them. He just felt Cas’ lips against his own, a flutter in his stomach that was starting to feel familiar and he shut his eyes and pulled Cas closer.


End file.
